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Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Autumn

Funny old world is it not? One minute you're on cruise control, the rest of your life planned out ahead of you, you know the sort of thing:- mortgage nearly paid, steady job, walking for miles with your dog at your side. Yeah you know where I'm coming from don't you? life is steady, married for years, confident and comfortable in the way friends, neighbours and work colleges respect and admire you. Yeah funny old world is it not?

Then something inside breaks and you'll be damned if you know what or that it even has happened. You become a monster, discarding family and friends like they are people you don't even know, you tear hearts asunder and rip a lover's soul to shreds. Only when it is too late to turn back, to beg forgiveness do you begin to have a glimmer of the devastation of what your selfish actions have wrought, and then the pain comes, the guilt and the self loathing. 

It is too late for me to repair the pain and suffering I have brought down on those who love me. So now, it the early Autumn of my years I must try to start a fresh, is there hope for me and also that I may help heal and heal those I have wronged so terribly? I'd like to think so, and maybe that's the start that I need.....hope.

Depression is a black dog indeed, a real bitch when you start understanding the pain you have wrought, yeah funny bleedin life indeed.


8 comments:

  1. I would describe depression as more of a 'black fog' than dog...it creeps up on you slowly, often over years, getting thicker & thicker until you can no longer see what's happening around you...occasionally the fog will lift...it's in these moments of clarity that we begin to see the effect we have on others around us, and then it becomes easier to hide in the fog than face up to the truth...'small steps', actually admitting to yourself & others that you are in the throws of depression is a small yet significant step to finding your way through this black fog

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  2. I guess that describes what I am going through as well as anything anonymous. And retreating back into the black fog is the easiest thing in the world. Thank you for your words.

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    1. The fog crept up on me to the point where I could barely function, and has been swirling around my feet ever since just waiting to engulf me...and yes from time to time it does when times & life become particularly difficult...but I look at those around me who I love & who love me & need me to keep that fog at bay.
      JM.

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  3. Ten years ago I had a life changing experience and since then I have come to realise that I need to keep motivated so that I don't fall into depression again. Sometimes it is there before I realse it then I wonder why I feel like I have been feeling so drained and lifeless.
    When I get this way I seem to find a way to get out of this mood and go somewhere to relax , unwind and try to think positive thoughts and feelings. I look around and see how lucky I am to be here.It is something I have to deal with every day but with friends and family, nesr or far I take one day , one step at a time.it is not always easy but I eventually get there .Every day is a new beginning, try and find the ppositive in each day ,
    There is always hope .
    B

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  4. Thank you B, but its so bloody hard at times.

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  5. Hi,I know its never easy and sometimes I just want to get away from it all, then I realise that if I don't try it will affect ny health and where that might lead to I would never wish upon anyone , unless it was a way to survive...I am very grateful for my life and what I have gone through to be here.Not knowing what each day brings is a challenge in itself for me ..but I have learnt that trying to forgive myself a little more each day helped.A dear friend not so long ago told me a few home truths and from that day whenever I am feeling depressed I hear that voice telling me to keep motivated.....love myself , believe in myself ..Take care..B

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  6. Thank you once more B, I would like to talk more openly about this with you as someone who seems to have gone through this 'fog', but on a comments page is probably not the best place to fully bare souls. But I'm truly thankful that you have taken the time to offer your words of support.....take care..John.

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  7. It's never too late!

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