The extra bits...(Under construction).

Sunday, 6 October 2013

A true friend....

I still find it hard, nay impossible, to understand what has happened to me over the last few years. I don't mean that I'm not aware of my actions and their effect upon others, although I was oblivious at the time to the heart break, anger, worry and hatred that they generated, it's just that I don't know what caused my lights to go out. I look back over this time and I find myself full of self loathing, guilt and confusion at what my actions did to others. The hardest part of this time of darker days was not when I was at my lowest and most destructive but rather when I started to lift my eyes from the ground and once more became aware of the world around me. Because it was then I began to see what I had done to people who loved me and it was at this time that I came as close as I have at any time during these last few years of darkness to taking my life. You would probably call my selfish and cowardly for even contemplating ending my life, and you'd be right too do so. But the guilt brought about by the realisation of the harm that I'd done was too much to bear and I genuinely believed that people around me would be far, far better off without me. I had it all planned and not as a cry for help. Without going into details there would have been no second chance, no medical intervention would have helped and no one would have been there to stop me. Letters were written, apologies made and the hour was near. The feeling of inner calm was the first time in years that my mind had stopped its constant twisting and turning, trying to find answers to a life wasted. I can't explain how but it was when I put the lead on Bramble and turned to take her to a friend ' for a day' and she knew. Somehow she knew and she fought against the lead slipping her collar and running from me, whimpering. I've never mis-treated, hit or scolded her but that day she ran from me crying as if I'd thrashed her. I found her upstairs lying on the floor with such an expression no dog should be capable of. After all I had lost, hurt and shunned this little dog was telling me that I was loved and needed by her. You can make of these words what you will but that little dog is owed more by me than I could ever give her. I'm no fool and the black dog still stalks me and even after I finally sort professional help and now rattle with medication I'm all too aware that I can fall backwards into the darkness but I know now that there is at least one soul who stands by me barring her teeth and doing her best to keep the black dog at bay. You know I used to write another blog in another life, Musings of Murphyfish it was called. In it I now realise that I sort escape from the person I'd become and projected an image of someone that wasn't really me. Well on these pages this is me, warts and all. I may not be what people call a good person but at least here I'll try to be honest and share my attempt at healing my broken mind, follow me if you will but don't feel sorry for me as I am what I am. John

15 comments:

  1. It's amazing how sensitive animals are to our feelings and very intuitive.

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    1. I have to agree, also they talk without words. I would be in a darker place without Bramble.

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  2. Sometimes it is all too easy to forget that there are those (canine or otherwise) around us who love and care for us especially when at our lowest and what I described as the black fog engulfs us, and then we ignore and turn away from those who are desperately reaching out to us...keep taking those 'small steps' John
    Jen (JM)

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    1. Indeed the 'black fog' clouds us from others and the help they long to give us. When the fog lifts it's only then I see that I haven't been alone and that there is especially one who has always been there for me.

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  3. Don't hate yourself, you can find the good within once again!

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    1. I doubt there is much good left here, as for hating myself? well tolerating myself would be a good step.

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  4. Again thank you all for the time and kind words.

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  5. This brought me to tears; I can think of several times in my life where everything seemed very dark and bleak and each time there was a little furfriend there to see me through. I can never repay the unconditional love they've shown me. I can only echo the bumper sticker i've seen that goes something like "I wish i were the person my dog (cat) sees me as being."

    What i've found is that if i sift through all that crap, i do find that part of me. It may have been buried, neglected, and forgotten, but it's known to them, and they reintroduce me to that part worth knowing.

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  6. I think it takes quite a lot of courage to face up to our dark side and our past actions, but I also think it deserves a kind of self courtesy, or gentleness. Basically, I think you are very brave, but I would hope you are not being too harsh with yourself! :-) what you are doing is incredibly brave and my hat is off to you. Your Bramble is a lucky girl, and I am glad you have each other.

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  7. Hi Megan,
    Tis not my intention to upset anyone upon these pages, I caused enough of that in the last few years to last a life time. I too wish a was the person that Bramble see me as, hopefully with help from her, a dear friend who is always there for me (although I hardly let myself see that) and a strengthening of my will I may well find that inner me. Thank you for your words.

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  8. Thank you Lynne,
    I think that finding a balance between the guilt, excepting the past has gone and now trying to have the courage to look forward is one of hurdles that I have to put behind me. But even when, hopefully, I find myself fully healed I never wish to forget the awful deeds that I inflicted upon others, it should always act as a reminder and temper my future actions.

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  9. Hi John, found your blob via FrugalQueen..... sitting with me cuppa tea and having a scroll through your posts...... after the darkness come clear blue skies,,, may you look up and feel them coming........x

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  10. I have found in the past that there is a huge difference between sympathy and empathy and even within those two, varying degrees of them both. Suicide is never taken lightly by those that remain. Sometimes, it is a cry for help (which occasionally fails), others, the real thing. Someone once told me suicide was a cowards' way out. I explained to them that the true word for suicide is 'self murder'. I asked them whether they could kill another human being. They said no. Self murder is not and never will be easy, because of that inbuilt 'on' switch. It takes great courage not only to succeed in it, attempt it etc but often, even more courage to survive it, get help and try to ensure that on switch stays on! Hoping your 'power grid' continues to cope:)

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  11. Thank you DC for that, something to digest indeed.

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