The extra bits...(Under construction).

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Chafed

Yes I've harked on about the pain, self pity, guilt, blindness and desolation that has been part and parcel of the black fog called depression that has wrapped its tentacles around and wormed their way into my mind but what of the 'after'? indeed what is to happen next if the fog is to fought and kept at bay? Well it's true that I'm under medical advice now and that I'm on medication, which I call the happy pills, but at the moment a true and deep happiness at times seems such a distant dream and I need the take the days to come one at a time, small steps if you will.

In the days PrF (pre fog) one of my escapes from everyday pressures was to walk. Now I don't mean a quick five minute stroll along bland streets just to pass the time whilst the monotony of the evening soap operas was on, oh no, I mean proper walking on the Clwydian range. I'd be gone for hours on end treading mile after mile with my faithful canine companion Lucy. No matter what the weather we'd be out there basking in all that mother nature had to offer. But things changed, Lucy passed away all too early, the hills lost there lustre, and for reasons beyond my ken I lost my marbles so to speak. So it's here and now, the past is done and I find myself trying to come to terms with the life I have left to live. The fog is still there I know this for sure and it'll be a long time in coming, if ever, when the day comes that it'll stop clouding my mind ready to drag me down when I'm least expecting it. 

But like I've said "I've harked on about the pain, self pity, guilt, blindness and desolation that has been part and parcel of the black fog called depression" and when all is said and done there is one person who can keep the fog at bay .....me. Of course I can't do this completely alone, there's one special person who has been there for me even though I've withdrawn into myself and ignored the proffered hand this person stays there for me even though she finds it so hard. Then there's my family who still find hard to come to terms with something that they cannot possibly understand but they try their best even though they see the world so black and white, and of course there's the happy pills.

So what to do? well I now have another faithful hound by my side and I still have a stout pair of legs and the hills are still there. So hauling my over sized arse off the sofa myself and a rather surprised bear find ourselves heading for yonder hills. Unfortunately there is a tiny snag to this plan, the small fact that I'm now 2 stone heavier than the last time I tread the trails and I find myself walking in the most inappropriate clothes being as none of my collection of suitable outdoor threads come bleedin close to fitting. So in a shirt that should only be seen in night clubs of the shadiest nature, white plimsolls and jeans than were more than a tad close fitting around the nether regions I find myself a sweating, shaking very dehydrated jelly like blob of meat ponderously stumbling around paths that I used to consider a warm up stretch before the main event, bugger. Both myself and bear crashed back through the front door of 186 sounding like 2 knackered steam engines, my scrotum red raw from the serious chafing of over tight jeans, my knees feeling as if they were made from rubber and a serious need for a brew of the strongest kind. So did I feel any better, lifted a tad maybe?...........














......well hell yes.

24 comments:

  1. Yeah.... bet you both snored pretty contentedly after your long walk. The simple things in life seem to give so much pleasure. Just put out some bird seed and moved the washing so i can see the birdies peck up the sunflower seeds. Day off today from Asda (my new job) so I want to try and make the most of it by doing things like you that I haven't done for a while. Yesterday I went for a walk in the woods before my shift, its where Harry Labrador and I used to always go. There were a few tears but I'm glad I went. Got some elderberries to make a syrup from too another thing I have not had time for lately.

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    1. Welcome aboard captain,
      I found it immpossible to walk the trails on my own, too upsetting, but Bramble adds another dimension to my life. Elderberrie syrup? how do you make that? and dont be saying with elderberries....

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  2. Immersing yourself in nature has a great way of bringing some balance into your life, and without all the distractions of modern life about we get to notice and enjoy the small stuff around us. Glad you enjoyed your walking, lovely photos and one happy looking doggy x

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    1. Thanks Dreamer....definitly soothing being immersed in nature, I must do more....much more.

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    2. Forgot to say - chafing - sudocrem is your friend :)

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  3. Hi John, glad you found some solace in a place once loved. Those clouds are ever moving even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

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    1. Hi Emma,
      Thank you for your words, "clouds are ever moving......." I like that.

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  4. Here is how I deal with depression;
    1- Start a Blog called Its Time To Live
    2- Walk in the woods and take photos
    3- Long motorcycle rides (4-5 days are best)
    4- Find something I can do for someone else each day, preferably with out them knowing.
    5- Try to always think of others needs, not my own.

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  5. A constructive list indeed, I particularly like the last 2 points and will try to act upon them, thank you.

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  6. Your jeans should feel easier a little every time you walk them! Very brutal account of a certain *injury*. I'm glad I'm a girl!

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  7. OMG - I had to laugh at your beautifully written words of your walking experience! I too have felt like this (and I'm a girl) after starting exercise again. But it is all worth it - its amazing how different you can feel afterwards. I now DRAG myself out with my dog, even after a few wines at lunch with the girls - and I always feel better. I especially always walk when I feel miserable - it does lift the spirits somewhat I have found. I think any form of exercise lifts your mind & body.

    Keep doing what you're doing - it will only get better, and so will you.

    From DeeJay in Whangarei, New Zealand

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    1. Hi DeeJay,
      Nice of you to drop in from so far away. Thanks for your words and yes exercise certainly does lift the spirit.

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  8. I wonder what has been nibbling at the mushroom John ? Maybe it's just been knocked about .Beautiful images John .Thank you for shsrng them. **
    Bear looks like she is " melling the roses " as they would say .

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  9. sorry about the spelling mishaps John, I was posting from my phone early morning.

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  10. I was once like you! Lost lonely looking for reasons. Tried finding them in the arms of others but never getting there. The hand I took was the hand I took in marriage! I hurt my then wife beyond belief, I thought my life was over forever searching for that missing thing!!!! What I needed was a friend, a true friend and yet again our paths crossed we had been parted for over2 years! And she, who was my best friend was still there for me., she's helped me find life again through friendship. It was then I realised how much I had missed our easy going life. You know the way that you know what someone is thinking and no one utters a word. We'll never be a couple again but our friendship is something I will always have and carry with me! She's my rock and believe me I'm a real proud person, but there's no shame in admitting you need help or a chat with a very dear old friend! Think about it my man. Call have a chat. You'll feel so much better the guilt is slowly melting away. Best thing I ever did was reach out to a true friends hand. Not a person you met when you're surrounded by the fog! It'll never work! Reach out friend!!!!

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    1. It would be hard for me to step back this way, I need to look forward. Such a friend as yours is rare indeed but there is too much pain and still the guilt haunts my soul. This is something I now feel I have to do day by day, step by step. As for being proud myself, the black dog stripped pride and self worth clean away.

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    2. Another thought crossed my mind, as dull as it is, I have indeed met people 'in the fog' and one in particular even though I have hurt her deeply has stayed a true friend throughout. I owe Beverley more than I am worth so please do not criticise people who have held me close in this.

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  11. I never meant criticism to anyone, but your not stepping back your reaching out to old and now new. I wish you well with your life with beverley, but make peace with the old. Everyone's experience is different, I also have a new life but the friendship I have with my old life is something I will never experience. I hope it works for you but your past will haunt you make peace and be true to yourself!

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    1. Perhaps I mis-understood your comment and I apologise if so. As for a new life? Yes Beverley remains a friend at the moment. But she as well as others who come close has been burnt by my actions so for now my path is a lonely one. I do not know the future and I'm still to scared to look forward.

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  12. No need to apologise,these things happen frequently in life. Just depends in what contexts you take it and how you feel at that moment. Look back make peace! Then move foward, looking foward for me is just waking up some days. But other days it's the rainbow that breaks through the rainiest of days! Plant your feet firmly!!!! Be steadfast!

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  13. Those who are close to you and know that you are going through a hard time will always be there for you even if they don't fully understand the hurt and loneliness that you are feeling. .as you forgive your self a little more each day , maybe then you will find peace of mind and find you will be able to reach out a little more to those close to you either family or friends. I am sure that they know you are not doing all of this hurt on purpose. .there's a reason and seeking help is a big step to take .
    All the best John .

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  14. Are you related to the John Wooldridge from a dairy farm near Whangarei who cut such a dash through Europe in 1968?

    Just in case you are, here's my email address: accounts@askwrite.com

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