The extra bits...(Under construction).

Saturday, 28 September 2013

So here I am doing a 12 hour night shift after a bloody long journey back from that suburban sprawling monster called London. Now if I wasn't depressed before my brief visit the capital city of this kingdom I bloody well am now. Now I may be just from a small town in Wales but at least I have some idea of how to conduct myself. But in our cosmopolitan and supposedly vibrant capital I have never seen so much rudeness, self preservation not to mention the lack of the simplest of common courtesy. Not one bugger down there gives way, says please, thank you, good day or kiss my arse. I have never encountered such a miserable and down trodden collection of lost souls in my life. If this is what living in the big city does to humanity then you stuff it where the sun doesn't shine! One glimmer of light from this visit....I was accosted in the street by a pleasant enough young lady from 'friends of the earth', of which apparently I'm now a member....which is nice. Oh and I also got some more ink on my flesh after a dinner time visit to some seedy shop....just some script to remind me of something when the fog is crawling its way around my soul...two words only....... Small Steps.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Did I say Autumn?



Did I actually say that I'm in the "early Autumn years of my life" in my last post? what a pretentious arse I can be sometimes. Damn thing with this depression muh-larky is that the lows can be banished at the flick of a switch or the tiniest of changes in my life and replaced with something resembling happiness. So for what ever the reason I've awoken this morning with not so much a spring in my step, more like a slightly better carpet underlay beneath my feet, but all the same feeling OK. Funny really being as I didn't fall to sleep till the early hours, and then had to be up to drag the Bear around not so sunny Buckley in the early morning rain. Now instead of rushing around like fool because I'm off to London for a couple of days I'm sitting here typing away more drivel and sipping tea.

Oh and one more thing that I've just remembered is that Autumn is my absolutely favourite time of year...... I already have enough apples for a couple of gallons of cider so that's something else to look forward too, as an anonymous commenter said on an earlier post "small steps"... ahh well guess I have to take each day as it comes.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Autumn

Funny old world is it not? One minute you're on cruise control, the rest of your life planned out ahead of you, you know the sort of thing:- mortgage nearly paid, steady job, walking for miles with your dog at your side. Yeah you know where I'm coming from don't you? life is steady, married for years, confident and comfortable in the way friends, neighbours and work colleges respect and admire you. Yeah funny old world is it not?

Then something inside breaks and you'll be damned if you know what or that it even has happened. You become a monster, discarding family and friends like they are people you don't even know, you tear hearts asunder and rip a lover's soul to shreds. Only when it is too late to turn back, to beg forgiveness do you begin to have a glimmer of the devastation of what your selfish actions have wrought, and then the pain comes, the guilt and the self loathing. 

It is too late for me to repair the pain and suffering I have brought down on those who love me. So now, it the early Autumn of my years I must try to start a fresh, is there hope for me and also that I may help heal and heal those I have wronged so terribly? I'd like to think so, and maybe that's the start that I need.....hope.

Depression is a black dog indeed, a real bitch when you start understanding the pain you have wrought, yeah funny bleedin life indeed.


Saturday, 21 September 2013

Tosh

Well what an absolute load of tosh my last post proved to be, not only have I done absolutely bugger all about the statements made in it, I've ballooned to the dizzy heights of 14 stone and 9 pounds, made no bloody progress in achieving any of the comments and promises made and quite frankly have lost all bleedin' motivation for doing absolutely anything.
I once had a friend via blog world who describes depression as the Black Dog, something that bites your life and brings you down at the slightest thing. I truly know this dog and have been battling with it for some years now but sometimes the will to get off my arse and fight for a life is truly to much to handle. Oh well perhaps the Fluffy Sheep of joy and comfort is not too far away, but I doubt it.....Bugger!