Or as my counselor would also say "heads up you're heading back into the hole" or, alternatively, as I would say "you fat bastard!". Let me enlighten you to theses perhaps cryptic words. As I have tried to make clear upon these pages of my blog (yes I still prefer real books) for some time now I have been aware of the fact that I been suffering from severe depression for several years although for quite a few of these years I was oblivious to this fact. Now I'm not after sympathy, hugs nor the wailing and gnashing of teeth from any of you, assuming that is there is more than one reader of my blog. No far from it, what I'm hoping that perhaps my words and admissions of the shit I've caused loved ones and family may help some people realise that they are not alone in the darkness and there is help out there.
Ah speaking of help I am a fine one to talk of seeking the professional help that is so important to fighting depression. It has taken me a long time to seek help and even longer to heed the advice given. But after ping ponging back and forth between help, be it from loved ones or professional aid, I am finally taking heed and following some of the guidelines given. Words, and tablets if I'm honest, were soon forgotten when I was high on life and also when I was down in the darkest depths. Only when I was coming out of the dark back into the light of living would I except I still was very ill and seek help. This succession of extreme highs and lows has caused so much pain to others who have given me all their love only to have anger, scorn and pain thrown in their faces. It is a wonder that any would entertain even the notion of talking to me in the future. But there is hope, even for people as lost and as wrapped up in themselves such as me. It has taken such a long time but the finality of perhaps losing a loved one has made me sit and take notice and it's time to move on and leave the hurt behind.
So back to the plot, my counselor has reminded me of a list of warning signs that was spoken about probably over twelve months ago now and to which I paid no effing heed whatsoever. But now I have this list with me all the time and I read it every morning as the first thing that I do, before bathing, eating or even a brew! I don't always take in the words as they swim before my eyes but one line hit home the other morning, not when first read but when finally the bathroom was free and I climbed aboard the scales. I didn't weigh myself for any reason, it was more a robotic reaction to seeing a set of scales left out. As the numbers swam before my eyes my brain must have taken the information before them and sent a short message to my barely aware conscious bit...the message being 'you fat bastard Wooldridge!'. It was then one of the bullet points I'd read before dragging myself sloth like from my bed drew me sharply into focus. The line read "Look for signs of not looking after yourself physically or hygienically", and as I gazed at myself wobbling away, and yes also with a perhaps over ripe odour hazing around me, I realised that the dog had been biting and once again I'd let it drag me down causing pain to others. I do have an idea what triggered this particular dip and that is Bear has been extremely ill lately and once the focus of looking after her after the immediate danger had eased I withdrew into myself, with not even the relief of walking with Bear as she recovered I dipped and threw living a life away once more.
That's the thing about depression, when you're being smothered in darkness you don't see it yourself. Indeed you don't see anything apart from the odd chink of light that sometimes spears through the dark. This time, for me, it was as simple as climbing aboard a set of scales and having my memory jogged that I was failing to even do the most basic things to care for myself. It's a thin line for me between living and being enveloped in darkness but one that's getting slightly easier to follow.
Oh and my weight for those nosey buggers.....fifteen stone dead on, bugger. But spurred on with the realisation that I was dipping once more I've pulled my socks up and been more than active in the few hours when I'm not working. Also, to help both of us feel alive once more, I've scrubbed the overtime for the next few days off and we're heading for the lakes, I'll take pictures.