The extra bits...(Under construction).

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Still turning the corner....

     Tis with some relief that this block of shifts is nearing its end for I must confess that I am absolutely bloody well knackered! I have aches and pains upon my aches and pains and my eyes can barely focus without tears of tiredness stinging them. The drive back to my present abode should be interesting to say the least, me thinks that flat cap man's cars windows will be wide open and the doors will be shaking to AC-DC as I try to keep sleep at bay till I finally hit the hay. Though once there I fear sleep may be slow in coming as my mind is full of thoughts of an impending move and yet another fresh start for me and Bear. Although hopefully this may be the last one for sometime and we'll be able to find a routine and rhythm to our lives which I feel will help in my battle against the black dog. 

     It's not just work and the moving that's taking its toll though, indeed not. As I think I might well have mentioned before the signs have been there that I was slipping back to the abyss, not looking after myself physically, hygienically nor mentally. But I have taken steps to remedy this and the visit to the lakes was the start of what I'm hoping is to looked back upon as a watershed in my life, the point where the scales tip in my favour for a change. I know now that the road I'm walking will never be easy and it's even harder knowing what I've lost, probably never to be regained ever again. But walk it I intend to do and already the signs are there that things are a changing. Outwardly my hair is more kept, I don't smell like a sewer and my weight is actually reducing. Inwardly I'm starting to feel more than just guilt and pain and I'm more positive about things in general. And the secrets to the small yet for me dramatic changes?



The headless trick once again.... 


      Yep Bear, without her I don't believe I'd have lifted myself from the darkness this time around after losing so much. But now we're out on the hills above the village damn near everyday and the knackered feeling in my bones is one that I welcome. 

     We're staying here in the village, hopefully for sometime to come, as it's not a bad place and misfits like me are made most welcome. People here don't know me and the pain that my actions have left in there wake so I don't feel judged here. Also there's a decent pub, some beautiful walks, folk are friendly enough (some more so than others) and it's very Welsh, yes I think we'll stay here awhile and heal some more.

Till the next time, take care 

John 


11 comments:

  1. Hope you've found your place there John.

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    1. Early days yet Martijn, but certainly feeling a tad more settled.

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  2. Just the fact that you can sit and evaluate where you are at and see the small changes you have made makes me think that you are headed in the right direction John. Thank goodness for Bramble Bear, animals have a way of helping us pull through things just by being there constantly and faithfully every day whatever we are feeling like and whatever mood we project onto them. They give us a reason to get out of bed in the morning, greet us with enthusiasm no matter what and set us a routine of their needs that we have to follow no matter how we are feeling. They give us company and affection, a listening ear,and someone to stroke and touch when we need to feel physical contact but keep pushing people away from us. They also give us confidence to get out and about when we might not feel up to doing that alone, add a dog to your side and you feel you could walk anywhere without being judged. You also get to see them jumping headfirst into life and enjoying everything and somehow it starts to rub off on yourself. I have a chronic condition which sometimes physically and mentally wipes me out, three years ago I rescued Jake from a shelter, but really he rescued me for all the reasons above :) I'm so glad you have Bramble. Just take it a day at a time - you will get there xxx

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    1. Hi Dreamer,
      It seems we've trod a similar path, your words echo my thoughts very closely. It seems that we both owe our canine companions more than mere words can say. Thank you for sharing and for your support.

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  3. A four legged friend has been beside me since birth, 6 to be precise. If daily living gets too much there is nothing that can beat a walk into woods, forests, beside canals or on a beach.
    If you have a printer or access to one print out the desiderata poem. Pin it to your fridge and read it all daily. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and say sorry to the people who you think you have wronged. A clean slate will take the weight from your shoulders. Don't forget to change negative thoughts into positive ones, it will become a habit that will stop that black dog from descending. Best wishes

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    1. Thank Annie,
      I've looked up the poem and it does strike a chord. Even though I know I am burdened with illness it is still so very hard to forgive myself and walk a happier path...but the changes are there, small steps I guess.

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  4. When I briefly lived in Wales I had a friend in the village who hailed from Liverpool. One day he asked the local garage man how long it took to be accepted by the locals, and the man said 'about ten years'. My friend replied 'remind me to leave in 9'.

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    1. Curious my man, I've been told fifteen years before acceptance into the village.... and I originate from just fifteen miles away!

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  5. These are not my own words John, but I really couldn't have put it better myself...."You would think that taking tiny little steps would seem so trivial. Not true! It is better to take many small steps in the right direction, than none at all. Keep moving and you will past obstacles that have defeated you before. Even if you don’t see results right away, don’t give up, because every small step you make towards that goal is affecting you in ways you would never imagine."...keep up with the small steps and find some peace xx

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    1. Thank you Anonymous......strange name that....

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    2. Indeed it is Mr Wooldridge x

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