The extra bits...(Under construction).

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Pondering on nights...

     Once again I find myself with a moment to ponder life whilst my tired body aches in protest halfway through a far too busy nightshift. I certainly have made a mess of things whilst failing to cope with or understand my depression. Not only has my life been turned upside down but also the lives of those who love me deeply.

     But as I learn to manage living with the black dog I am beginning to understand a little more about myself and what this ageing pirate requires to keep himself sane and, dare I even contemplate this, happy once again.

      And to be honest I don't believe it's unobtainable. Yes it's going to take time and many more turns of the roller coaster but I'm beginning to believe it will happen and I'm slowly beginning to believe in myself. 

      Spurred on from my friend from across the pond, Casey, I'm walking the trails again and picking up natures tune once more. Although I have to say a walk less than a tenth of what I could stride six years ago (its been that long? bugger) now has me breathing through my arse and every other orifice, trying to wring as much oxygen as possible from the scorched air. There is nothing better for calming a troubled soul than being alone in the deepest part of the forest watching a fox and her cubs glide ghost like by whilst trying to control your ragged breathing, or finding myself wading through cooling surf on a tourist free beach on yns Mon just the other day. It is good to be walking again. But it's not just the walking, I've spent some time on my cider allotment again and I'll be posting about that shortly, I'm beginning to take charge of my diet and am slowly starting to eat simple and healthy at long last, I've managed to stop something that was very counter productive to my mental well being and that was drinking to blurr my pain.... Tis better to feel and face it me thinks. But the best feeling I've had in such a long long time was saying goodnight to my love tonight on the phone and hearing her sweet voice saying goodnight in return... 

      Yep tis a simple life for this pirate from now on, and I'll be damned if I'm going to balls it up again. Let's be honest here, I'm too old and too bleeding ugly these days so if my love will hold me close again who  am I to say no to happiness?

     Take good care of yourselves and your loved ones and remember this life is not a dress rehearsal... It's the real thing.

John

12 comments:

  1. "There is nothing better for calming a troubled soul than being alone in the deepest part of the forest"

    So very true... I myself need to get there again. Not that my soul is presently troubled, but as a preventative cure!

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  2. Excellent, beautiful, sane sentiments, John! There's no hurry - just live and love it as best you can. I think I'll be writing again soon, I just about have the Crazy Lady (my mom) moved to her new place, and next Saturday is my daughter's wedding. Things should slow down enough to have a clearer mind after that. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, I shout.

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    1. I hear your shout and echo it back to you my friend. I await with baited breath for your scribings once more.

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  3. You should keep the one you love. As I tell my wife, it's just too much trouble to train a new one, at this time in my life. Keep at it, you seem to be going in the right direction.

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    1. Thank you Mark, for advice and the smile that it raised.

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  4. Hi John,
    I am happy for you. I used to say that I was going for a walk in the woods. I would go into the woods in bad form and as I would walk, a gentle calmness would sneak up on me, creep up on me, get inside me and all things would improve. I the got into the habit of going to the woods, walking a bit and then sitting down. I would just sit there, maybe drink tea, maybe read a book, sometimes just listen. Listen to the sounds. When you sit first what you may notice might be silence, or maybe the breeze in the trees, or maybe a blackbird or jay giving out to you for your intrusion. Then, after a while you become accepted. You notice little things like the blackbird and the jay have quietened. The smaller sounds of the wren the various tits, the rustle of beetles through the fallen leaves, the pigeons begin to coo again. The woods are now accepting you as part of itself. It gives me a great feeling of relaxation just to sit in an atmosphere like that. When I come back home to the human world, that relaxation and that feeling of acceptance lingers with me as a buffer zone against the problems of daily life. If I was a Star Wars fan it might be called "The Force". I now say " I`m going to the woods" in the knowledge that it is not just a collection of trees and things but a living breathing entity in its own right which has the ability to soothe a troubled soul like no other. May the force be with you.

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  5. Thanks Tony for your comment, I know that feeling in the woods that you describe so well but it's been such a long time since the woods accepted me like that.....hopefully something that will be remedied soon.

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  6. Hi John, I firmly believe being outdoors, especially in the woods or parks is under-rated therapy. Just the inhalation of fresh air alone calms the nerves. You'll get back to walking in great strides soon enough, don't push it or you'll injure something, been there, done that, one day and one stride at a time. I usually walk before dawn except in the summer when it can be too bloody hot, and it enlivens me, clears the head, and fills me with such vim and vinegar that I'm ready to face the day with a big grin on me face. Have faith John, believe in yourself and your loved ones, you'll make it through.

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  7. Thank you Cheryl, It is difficult to know how far to 'push it' once I have dragged my sorry ass out there at the moment my rotund body protests for days after the shortest of walks....this getting old malarky is definitely not my cup of tea!

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  8. "I've spent some time on my cider allotment again and I'll be posting about that shortly"

    Will be looking forward to that too!

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  9. Hello, back again to read a few of your older posts...

    You say "Small Steps."

    Agreed. Very important as small steps taken together can lead on to accumulate into bigger, better things.

    Keep on the keeping on, day by day, & we'll somehow get there, but also need to remember to pause and enjoy the scenery along the way. I think that is a little of what you are getting at -- am I right?

    I really hope you are giving yourself enough chance to re-cooperate -- please go easy on yourself...

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