Once again I find myself with a moment to ponder life whilst my tired body aches in protest halfway through a far too busy nightshift. I certainly have made a mess of things whilst failing to cope with or understand my depression. Not only has my life been turned upside down but also the lives of those who love me deeply.
But as I learn to manage living with the black dog I am beginning to understand a little more about myself and what this ageing pirate requires to keep himself sane and, dare I even contemplate this, happy once again.
And to be honest I don't believe it's unobtainable. Yes it's going to take time and many more turns of the roller coaster but I'm beginning to believe it will happen and I'm slowly beginning to believe in myself.
Spurred on from my friend from across the pond, Casey, I'm walking the trails again and picking up natures tune once more. Although I have to say a walk less than a tenth of what I could stride six years ago (its been that long? bugger) now has me breathing through my arse and every other orifice, trying to wring as much oxygen as possible from the scorched air. There is nothing better for calming a troubled soul than being alone in the deepest part of the forest watching a fox and her cubs glide ghost like by whilst trying to control your ragged breathing, or finding myself wading through cooling surf on a tourist free beach on yns Mon just the other day. It is good to be walking again. But it's not just the walking, I've spent some time on my cider allotment again and I'll be posting about that shortly, I'm beginning to take charge of my diet and am slowly starting to eat simple and healthy at long last, I've managed to stop something that was very counter productive to my mental well being and that was drinking to blurr my pain.... Tis better to feel and face it me thinks. But the best feeling I've had in such a long long time was saying goodnight to my love tonight on the phone and hearing her sweet voice saying goodnight in return...
Yep tis a simple life for this pirate from now on, and I'll be damned if I'm going to balls it up again. Let's be honest here, I'm too old and too bleeding ugly these days so if my love will hold me close again who am I to say no to happiness?
Take good care of yourselves and your loved ones and remember this life is not a dress rehearsal... It's the real thing.