The overriding thought that smothers any other in my head is that all that know me would be so much better off without me. The thought crashes into every corner of my mind making perfect sense and rendering me incapable of seeing anything else. I just sit there, head down with no other thoughts in my mind. I'm asked time and time again, over and over....."what's wrong John?", "Come on, just talk about it", "Why are you doing this John?", "John, snap out of it", "Why the hell can't you see the pain you're causing you selfish shit?" and so it goes on and on, different voices all saying the same things, all pleading with me to explain what's wrong, all washing over me not making any difference to me....I sit there, head down with no other thoughts in my mind.
Everyone I know would be better off without me, the thought still there in every recess of my mind. The voices fade, friends drift away not understanding why, tears on my fathers face as his eyes plead with me to answer, to make him understand, he'd be better off without me. The voices fade, my soulmate hurt so many times now herself falling....she'd be better off without me. The voices fade, my brother, angry, raises his fist but backs away as my head rises and my eyes speak only of uncaring pain to be given, he'd be better off without me.
They'd all be better off without me, I drift away from home to room to caravan to car, nowhere else to go except down. I function, just, I turn up for work an unfeeling, uncaring and unclean robot, it goes on. My head stays down, eyes unseeing just the one thought still there urging me to take that last step....better off without me.
These words may seem strange to people who have read my previous posts. Where is the humour, the joy of life? Why have I written such words when people come here to smile, to feel good? To be honest I don't know the answer but the words are the first I've managed to write in trying to understand and picture my darkness when it descended upon me. It's still with me and there are days still, when I know the pain I've inflicted upon others and the guilt overwhelms my mind, days when the thought that the world would be better off without me gnaws at my mind, as it does on this day.
I write this blog hoping that one day it'll help just one person see the joy in the world, that just one person will not feel that the world would be better off without them. If I can do that perhaps on that day I'll find peace at last.