So here I am scoffing a bacon and egg bap and drinking heavily sugared tea contemplating my decline, both mentally and physically, into the derelict rusting hulk known to you as John. I find myself drifting back to a time, not many years ago, when a ten mile hike along mountain tops was considered a good start to the day. Now if I can get down the stairs without feeling some twinge, ache or heavy breathing I consider that a very good start to the day. I could give you a list as long as my arm of reasons, nay excuses, for my decline into this round lazy hulk but it all boils down to fact that it's my own doing, bugger!
The theme of one or two blog posts that I've read lately seem to have touched on the issue of health, becoming older and the cost of staying healthy. I have to admit that the cost of being unhealthy, as I am......did I mention the racking coughing fits?, far outways any monitory considerations. I've lost myself, my contact and feeling of being as one with nature and basically my life. But it's very difficult to break this downwards spiral..... pass the salt please....and far easier to allow myself to continue downwards, moaning about how ill and old I am till I slam into the deck of the good ship permanent decrepitude. I like moaning about it though, goes with the image I guess.
I miss my face burning after being blasted on windswept hillsides, I miss the sense of well being sitting in the depths of ancient woodlands whilst nature surrounds and accepts my presence, I miss sitting alone on a dark deserted beach with mackerel cooking over a driftwood fire, l miss swimming in lakes that drop away so deep as to be inky black beneath me, I miss the pleasure of seeing a kingfisher flashing past me not aware of me as I stealthily hunt wild fish, I miss my soulmate's smile in the mornings after making love through the night.. . .I miss who I was.
What to do? I'm not sure if I have the strength to even attempt to stop my decay but I have to try. To much has been lost and I'm tired of giving up on my life. It's time to try and regain some pride, self respect and maybe a life.....time to live and stop the self pity and moaning.
Till the next time take care,