The extra bits...(Under construction).

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

The strength of silence .....

     Whilst I have been away for the past few days I have found myself questioned, under examination (both mentally and physically) and placed under the utmost scrutiny by both those of the medical profession and by myself. I have lied to family about what was being undertaken to prevent further worry for them, and I have lied to my love as to where I have been as I could not face her trying to visit me or even trying to talk to me during this time. Now I'm loathe to even to open any sort of dialogue with her as my lie as to where I was probably has been the last straw for her, but as I said here she is better off without me.

     So where do I go from here? It is obvious to me that my ongoing struggle with the Black Dog is nowhere near as over as I had convinced myself and that there are dark times to be faced in the future. Do I turn ever further inwards, forsaking all others and stopping the potential to cause even further perceived pain to loved ones? Or do I open myself up and face all that comes head on, regardless of consequence? I feel truly lost and cut adrift at this moment and wonder which direction to take. All I do know that for the moment it is easier writing my thoughts here than expressing them in other ways.

     There was one thing that stuck in my mind from the past few days and that is the title of this post... "The strength of silence". Now I've absolutely no idea where this idea came from, something expressed by the shrinks, sorry doctors, something read or just a thought that lodged itself in my storm ridden mind but it is an idea that attracts me like a moth to the flame and one I wish to explore more. The basic premise, I'm thinking, behind this thought is that the more effort one puts into being silent the more one concentrates on a task and the hence the more aware of oneself and one's actions one becomes (to many one's?). For instance, the simple task of putting a brew down on a table..... instead of just completing the action you concentrate on putting it down as quietly as you possibly can so as to avoid the usual 'thud' of a vessel landing upon the table. This could be taken to a simple walk through woodland so that your concentration is firmly focused upon nothing else but trying to travel through without a noise so that the woods would just flow around you. It's not just about noise though, I'm trying to think of this 'silence' as the footprint that I leave in my wake,  from the noise I make, to the detritus I make and to the emotions and pain I leave behind me. I'm not sure that this idea makes sense to to you but it is something I will try to expand upon as I look into it and try to practice it. One thing sitting quietly did provide was a sight of my first urban fox this year so perhaps there is something in it after all. I'm also pondering as to whether or not I should rename my blog after this idea?


     The comments received upon my previous two posts were warming and welcome and although I failed to answer them some faith in human nature was restored and for for this I thank all of you who were kind enough to take the time, both in reading my thoughts and in offering your own.

Till the next time, take care.....

John

30 comments:

  1. Remember
    There is only good in what you are doing

    It may be a hard journey
    But there is only good in it

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  2. Great to see you back John, and congrats on the fox sighting. A word on your "silence" thoughts.

    I believe where you're getting this line of thought is from the guy who came up with Taoism - The Way. He said there is strength in silence. My take on this silence is it works two ways. The first, being silent with your words and actions will make them less likely to be hurtful in any way to anyone or thing concerned. Being silent like this will help you find your perspective and help you be more mindful.

    Second - if you can silence the outside world, you will not be weighed down nearly as much or be influenced by others in a way detrimental to your being, letting you get back to my first point on silence easier. That's where we want to be really.

    I'm getting windy. Maybe I can express a few more thoughts about this with my own post. Anyway - keep on exploring this path, John. You may find it helpful. I do when I'm able to focus on it.

    Take care -

    Casey

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    1. I don't think you're windy at all my friend, you thoughts have added to what I'm trying to get at.

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  3. Glad your back posting, I've been where you are now and please believe me there is a way out you just have to try very, very hard each and every day and then one day it's a little easier.

    Now put that cheese down and get walking!!

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    1. Ah cheese has been surprisingly absent me dear. Damn thing is now I have to think of what abstain from next!
      I hope you're right about it getting easier.. time will tell

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  4. You are important john! to me the anon and many others, but most of all to yourself. It's a great view from the top of the slide. X

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  5. Silence... Sometimes difficult to do & even harder to come by. But an admirable pursuit.

    And makes perfect sense to me. Love the fox you see! To me, that is a lucky omen you just got there.

    Tame the black dog as best you can. In our weaknesses are our greatest strengths...

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    1. Thank you wildside... The fox did seem to come at the right time.

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  6. Hi John, I have never written to you before but I feel very deeply for you. I enjoy reading your blog as I think you have a great sense of humour, but your struggles with the Black Dog move me very much. I don't know what the answer is. I guess we all have to make our own way forwards (I have struggled with depression too) but guess what, you have a friend in France wishing you well. Take care of John. All the best. Anna

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  7. Thank you Anna, I hope that you'll stick around to see that I'm not always gloom n doom

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  8. You have friends here in Cornwall, we care xxx

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  9. Can't say it better than those who have commented but just wanted to write something so you know there's this whole gang of blogging friends ready to read and root for you.
    I said if you sit not climb then it's a good start and sitting with a wonderful wild creature is as good as it gets I reckon.
    I love the title of your blog 'John'. No frills and to the point.
    x

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  10. Then 'John' it be me dear ;)
    And thank you for you're kind words Hazzy x

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  11. I like Casey's comment, John. I think he's got it there. Keep exploring, be honest with yourself and work from an open heart and you'll find your path through. It's such an individual thing that the best we, your friends can do for you is to support you on your way, which we all do, judging from all the comments. All that goodwill makes a difference, I am quite certain of that. It's a source of strength to think about and draw on when needed. And as I've said before, your sense of humour is a light in the darkness. Chin up, honey x

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    1. Thank you CT, It's quite humbling to read the comments upon my writing about the dips the Dog brings with each visit....humbling yet giving me a lift too.

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  12. Like I said before, don't spend too much time looking inwards. Right now you are weak and not able to deal with it. Look outwards and feed the soul. Reach out to others even though it seems hard. Though it may not seem so right now, they need you too. Focus on that. Personally I never had much use for shrinks. For me they never provided real world solutions on how to manage the dog and the outside influences that made him react. I found they only made me dwell on the negative and cultivate more insecurity. Not good when you need stable footing. Reach out to your friends and community they are the ones that care and can provide comfort and sustenance. Focus on a constructive task preferably one with a measure of reward to fill the empty spaces. Offer your help to those in need. They will keep you busy, some times to the point where the dog actually runs away.

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    1. Thank you Mr. Silvius, your words certainly are welcome and do give me something to ponder.

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  13. I always look forward to reading your blog posts, John. Look forward and get writing, listen to some rock music, drink some fine ales and plan lots of adventures.

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  14. Thanks Dave, sounds like a damn fine plan to me.

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  15. I have just lost a great long post as I have not worked out how to sign in first Grrrrr

    Honesty is the best policy with your loved ones. What is the worst that can happen? I know that if you were my partner I would rather know that you needed some time for yourself than worry about where you had gone. The problem with the white lie is the guilt you feel. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and say this is me warts and all, I do the best I can but sometime I need a little help. There is nothing wrong with that.

    The problem with modern day life is the expectations we shoulder - have we got the right job/car/holiday/family life it is a mine field out there no wonder we are all experiencing problems.

    I am so glad you sought help John, it is crucial for your well being even though you may not think so. If you feel you cannot contact your loved ones could you write a letter? If you need time alone to heal then you need time alone to heal, no ifs no buts.

    'The Courage to be Imperfect' a work colleague gave a talk on this many moons ago and I have never forgotten it.
    Enjoy your silence in nature with Bear by your side

    Take care Annie

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  16. Thank you Annie, I'm beginning to feel that it's about finding a balance between the demands of life and living with my own undoubtedly many imperfections. As always thank you for your kind words.

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  17. For some reason this bit seems appropriate, and might add some levity.
    http://youtu.be/L8IBD25-3I0

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  18. Thinking about you John , hope the times ahead become easier for you. You are a beautiful soul . Wishing you all the best, from a friend across the waters .x BW

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  19. I knew you were there for me during my very darkest days, dear friend. I'm here for you now.

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