So once again I have found myself flirting with the Black Dog, maybe not as deep into the abyss as I have previously been but far enough to know that I'm a long way from healing. What triggered the decline this time? Well your guess is as good as mine as now I try to stop looking for the reasons why because that search for answers has always eluded me and driven me mad when trying to explain why my mind goes into meltdowns and my actions cause so much pain. Better for all those I love that I keep my distance and my own counsel for the time being, for how can they understand when I have no way to explain myself and the demons that rule my mind in the dark days.
I have lost much and caused so much pain to my true love I wonder at times will I ever find peace and a sense of belonging with another. It's at times like these that I cannot see a future only a past that should have been so different, for another as well as myself. I have to live with myself and the ruination that seems to follow me, sometimes it is indeed too hard to even put one foot in front of another as my mood grows dark.
Why do I write these thoughts on these pages where tis usually humour that abounds? I guess it's because I need to say things that I can't to the ones I love, perhaps it's because I would like people to know that I'm more than words on a screen and that, if the right buttons are pushed, we can all turn our backs on goodness and love. Maybe it's because I look at myself and see nothing to be proud of? Who knows? but one thing is for certain and that is we never know what life holds for us and even the strongest may fail.
I'm sorry if this post is not what you expect from me but we all have a story to tell. Till the next time, take care of yourselves....