The extra bits...(Under construction).

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

The Dog bites....

     So once again I have found myself flirting with the Black Dog, maybe not as deep into the abyss as I have previously been but far enough to know that I'm a long way from healing. What triggered the decline this time? Well your guess is as good as mine as  now I try to stop looking for the reasons why because that search for answers has always eluded me and driven me mad when trying to explain why my mind goes into meltdowns and my actions cause so much pain. Better for all those I love that I keep my distance and my own counsel for the time being, for how can they understand when I have no way to explain myself and the demons that rule my mind in the dark days.

     I have lost much and caused so much pain to my true love I wonder at times will I ever find peace and a sense of belonging with another. It's at times like these that I cannot see a future only a past that should have been so different, for another as well as myself. I have to live with myself and the ruination that seems to follow me, sometimes it is indeed too hard to even put one foot in front of another as my mood grows dark.

     Why do I write these thoughts on these pages where tis usually humour that abounds? I guess it's because I need to say things that I can't to the ones I love, perhaps it's because I would like people to know that I'm more than words on a screen and that, if the right buttons are pushed, we can all turn our backs on goodness and love. Maybe it's because I look at myself and see nothing to be proud of? Who knows? but one thing is for certain and that is we never know what life holds for us and even the strongest may fail.

     I'm sorry if this post is not what you expect from me but we all have a story to tell. Till the next time, take care of yourselves....

John

12 comments:

  1. There's more of us out here, than you probably know, who understand. As the late Michael Jackson sang... You are not alone. X

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  2. Take care John in these dark days of turmoil. Just be with your dogs and allow their warmth and love to envelop you.

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  3. Oh John, please take care.
    You know my friend that I wrote about died not from the black dog but a life crisis that crashed in exactly a month ago ... so that is another story and a very different one.
    I too feel very low and sad and also worried that I may not have treated loved ones that well lately, so it is a depressed state I guess but through some rather awful pressures and not chemical ones.
    There is always a future, always. I worry too that, at these times, you cannot see one.
    Go back to that river, cuddle Bear, write on your blog, smile at someone random in the supermarket, pull your fingers through green grass.
    X Sarah

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  4. Thinking of you John - I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself.

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  5. I hope you publish this, but I think you won't...your words move me as they always do, indeed it's one of the reasons I fell so deeply in love with you...you talk of losing your true love John but maybe your many friends who offer you their warm and heartfelt support would like to hear my voice and a glimpse into my mind...if indeed it is me that you write of then maybe they deserve the chance to know that I gave you countless chances to return to me and gradually earn back the trust of myself and my family once again...yet unbeknown to me you chose instead to set up home to begin a life with someone else whilst still telling me that you loved me and wanted no one else...the many times you left me I tried to move on with my life but there was none who could fill that gaping hole but now I have had to accept that you have chosen to walk a different path with another and now I must attempt to do the same...I love you John and always will, and I'm left with an ache in my heart that will probably never leave me...I want nothing more than for you to find some peace...I live in hope that this once you can find it in your heart to allow my words to be heard...
    BJ x

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    1. I wish I had been stronger BJ, I'm truly sorry x

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  6. You must take care of yourself too. I know about black dogs, smaller than yours I know but still can be nasty. You WILL get through

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  7. John as a fellow black dog sufferer, I know there is no rhymne nor reason to why it appears. I often think this time of year probably triggers it for a lot of us. I'm afraid I have no constructive help to give, as we all have our own way of getting through these times but wish you well.
    Twiggy

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  8. As I have said, there is no explanation for my actions, maybe tis time has come to withdraw.

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  9. Your black dog sounds horrible and a right pain in the arse. I wish it would run away and leave you alone. My understanding is limited but my empathy is limitless. I will send out positive thoughts in the hope it may help in some unknown way as that is all I can do. x

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  10. Hi John, I often read your posts but have never commented, but having had dealings with the black dog myself I have found magnesium to be of so much help. just a couple of tablets a day , if you fancy looking there is a lot of info on the net.. It really has helped me.
    Briony
    x

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  11. I thank you all for your words, perhaps in time the Dog will leave me alone and instead of these massive lows punctuated with the odd soaring high I'll find true peace.

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