To blog or not to blog: that is the question that I have asked myself before and since blog post number 140, 'Action and reaction...' where I put forward some of my reasons for doubting the point of writing posts that once published are in the public domain and open to the full scrutiny of one and all. The vast majority of comments received are either warm, friendly, constructive and even humorous (usually Rachel's) but it is the one per cent of negative personal comments received that caused me to consider 'is blogging really worth the feeling of being "got at" for past mistakes?' Reading a 'friend not yet met' words t'other day I realised that I am not alone in this dark hole that depression creates but it is different for each and everyone of us who suffer the Black dog at our side. Her words were painful as she explained the reasons for closing her blog and were similar to my own reasons that have made me question myself yet again.
Yes I have made some horrendous errors over the last few years leading me to question at times whether or not existence was actually worth it. It's funny (certainly not funny Ha Ha) how depression robbed me of the 'knowing' of the pain and suffering dealt to others my actions caused until it was too late. I think the guilt and memories will always haunt me as some of my deeds would be inexcusable by civilised people including you here who read my words.
But I am not writing this wallowing in self pity, no far from it nor I am not looking for sympathy, kind words or forgiveness for I have slowly come to realise that the past is gone and, as much as I want too, there is nothing that I can now do to change what has happened and I can only wish those hurt peace in their lives. The thing I find disconcerting about my depression (yes it's mine and no other buggers!) are the mood swings and how easily certain things can take me from soaring highs to the depths of the pit. It may be something as trivial as a task not completed, a walk missed out, an incident at work, being alone, being surrounded by people! (go figure) or a passing comment. I have thought long and hard before and since writing 'that' post and being cold and honest about things there is no way that I can avoid any of the triggers in my life that bring me down....even the thought process about this has caused a slide downwards which had George noticing and in her way just gently prodding me back upwards.
And the point of all this rhetoric? well if I cannot avoid the triggers I had bloody well learn to live with them. Of course I would prefer not to receive negative words from my past anymore as I can only say sorry for my actions so many times without imploding once again. With George I am slowly finding peace in my life and for that I am truly grateful because, in truth, I do not feel that I deserve it and I think that is the last thing that stops me accepting it. So I will continue to write my inane and random thoughts upon these pages, and no it is not bloody Shakespeare! This is also due to the many wonderful messages that I received from you, my friends on the blog, the lift they provide was warming and most welcome.
One last thing, Tracey if you happen to read this I hope that you will reconsider opening up your blog once more. I know you have to do what is right for you but I will get the beers in if you do happen to write once more (I'll get them in if you don't actually).
Till the next time, take care of those who love you because once gone it is too late.
I certainly cannot be down this weekend ...Cornwall watching my beloved Welsh rugby team put England in their place, and hoping whilst there that 'friend not yet met' will be just a 'friend'.