The extra bits...(Under construction).

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

It's not bloody Shakespeare....

     To blog or not to blog: that is the question that I have asked myself before and since blog post number 140, 'Action and reaction...' where I put forward some of my reasons for doubting the point of writing posts that once published are in the public domain and open to the full scrutiny of one and all. The vast majority of comments received are either warm, friendly, constructive and even humorous (usually Rachel's) but it is the one per cent of negative personal comments received that caused me to consider 'is blogging really worth the feeling of being "got at" for past mistakes?' Reading a 'friend not yet met' words t'other day I realised that I am not alone in this dark hole that depression creates but it is different for each and everyone of us who suffer the Black dog at our side. Her words were painful as she explained the reasons for closing her blog and were similar to my own reasons that have made me question myself yet again. 

    Yes I have made some horrendous errors over the last few years leading me to question at times whether or not existence was actually worth it. It's funny (certainly not funny Ha Ha) how depression robbed me of the 'knowing' of the pain and suffering dealt to others my actions caused until it was too late. I think the guilt and memories will always haunt me as some of my deeds would be inexcusable by civilised people including you here who read my words.

    But I am not writing this wallowing in self pity, no far from it nor I am not looking for sympathy, kind words or forgiveness for I have slowly come to realise that the past is gone and, as much as I want too, there is nothing that I can now do to change  what has happened and I can only wish those hurt peace in their lives. The thing I find disconcerting about my depression (yes it's mine and no other buggers!) are the mood swings and how easily certain things can take me from soaring highs to the depths of the pit. It may be something as trivial as a task not completed, a walk missed out, an incident at work, being alone, being surrounded by people! (go figure) or a passing comment. I have thought long and hard before and since writing 'that' post and being cold and honest about things there is no way that I can avoid any of the triggers in my life that bring me down....even the thought process about this has caused a slide downwards which had George noticing and in her way just gently prodding me back upwards.

      And the point of all this rhetoric? well if I cannot avoid the triggers I had bloody well learn to live with them. Of course I would prefer not to receive negative words from my past anymore as I can only say sorry for my actions so many times without imploding once again. With George I am slowly finding peace in my life and for that I am truly grateful because, in truth, I do not feel that I deserve it and I think that is the last thing that stops me accepting it. So I will continue to write my inane and random thoughts upon these pages, and no it is not bloody Shakespeare! This is also due to the many wonderful messages that I received from you, my friends on the blog, the lift they provide was warming and most welcome. 

     One last thing, Tracey if you happen to read this I hope that you will reconsider opening up your blog once more. I know you have to do what is right for you but I will get the beers in if you do happen to write once more (I'll get them in if you don't actually).

Till the next time, take care of those who love you because once gone it is too late.

John

PS  

I certainly cannot be down this weekend ...Cornwall watching my beloved Welsh rugby team put England in their place, and hoping whilst there that 'friend not yet met' will be just a 'friend'.

19 comments:

  1. Well I'm pleased you're carrying on! Everyone deserves a second chance you know. I admire your honesty john :-)

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  2. It can be difficult to accept being loved when you feel either you don't deserve it or have been told you are unlovable or brought up to believe you are nothing etc. Meeting DB was my eureka moment and George may well be yours! Even after 34 years, I still find it amazing:) I know I don't grieve as others do, just accept it for what it is, yet others would try and tie it around my neck because they think I haven't dealt with it. We are all different but I have learnt to accept that my way of thinking helps keep me sane and at the end of the day, that is enough.

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  3. John, it's good that you now realise that you can't change the past and there's not a lot of point in continuing to beat yourself up over it. Whatever you did, it wasn't deliberate or intentional, it was as a result of being ill. The reality of depression and mental illness is that we do and say things (yes, I've done them too) that we would never in a million years do if we were well and in full control of our emotions and actions. I very nearly alienated for good the best friend I've ever had whilst I was in the grip of deep depression, and my husband was at his wits' end trying to cope with me. Thankfully, I didn't lose either of them and am well and off the medication now, though it was touch and go for a long time. Having only recently found your blog just before you decided to take some time out, I am very glad to see you back again. I really hope Tracey can take comfort from her many bloggy friends and feels she can come back too. I don't normally speak much about my depression, anxiety and panic attacks, but am very interested to read yours and Tracey's experiences....as I expect you know only too well, when we are haunted by the black dog we feel so very alone and like nobody else understands. But of course people like you and Tracey do.

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  4. Hi John. I'm sure that every reader that reads what you write has had a visit from the "Black Dog". I'm also sure that every reader has a past that probably has things in it that they'd rather forget. You have many friends out here so hang in there and keep the words coming.

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    1. Yes! Visited both by a dog of my own and having a close relative who lives with a patient and permanent dog (they call it clinical but there is nothing clinical about that dog). The more you can talk about it, talk to it and about it, the easier it does get to have in your life. And you are not alone in this, nor are you alone with dogs. Black dogs, that is. There is no shame involved!

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  5. Hi John
    Just wanted to say that I am pleased that you're going to continue writing your blog posts - you take care - hugs from me and big hugs for your beautiful dogs too
    xxx

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  6. Glad to see you back. Like many I have said and done things that were not good, pissed off many people. Equally I have been on the receiving end. I do my best to keep it behind me, I can not change it, my constant goal now is to not compound my mistakes by doing it all over again. Sometimes it is not easy. Hugs

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  7. Yes, you've echoed some of my thoughts, which is why I blog in fits and starts. I do believe that for me one of the lessons i'm still learning is to forgive myself. There'll always be those who'll want to wield it as a weapon and use it against us, but THEY are the ones carrying that weight. We can offer an olive branch, and if they choose to break them, again, that's on them.

    I know what you mean about the one per cent, though. Ninety-nine atta girls, one naysayer, and guess which of the hundred sticks?? Why is that? Needing to do some inner rewiring methinks and dip my skin in Teflon so that stuff can slide off.

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  8. You are very hard on yourself. Spend a while with that lovely dog of yours; you'll feel better at once. It always works for me!

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  9. Hi John, All the very best in finding calm again,
    I believe that you have the Strength, hope ,courage and faith to move forward and find peace again.
    You have supported and encouraged other readers and myself in more ways than you know. ..

    Come on Wales ! Wish I was there watching it too. ..

    Bron ** X

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  10. I've never been a fan of Shakespeare anyway. I'm just glad you're back. X

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  11. Hello John, I can only echo what everyone else has said!
    About the only thing I can offer is that past events are the history that we can learn from, bring about positive change
    and grow.
    Ah easy to say because we have to be ever watchful not to slip into old ways however, we can do so, it just about nourishing ourselves and being kind to the inner self positive ways.

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  12. Hi John,
    when I started to blog I was VERY cautious about letting people know about it; only my very closest family and a very trustworthy friend knows about my blogs. I just had a great need to stay anonymous due to social fobia. On the other hand I wanted to have a voice and to be able to write about my life, plain and simple as it is with its ups and downs due to depression, social fobia, panic attacks etc. I've been dealing with these issues for a decade now and I am finally living a life that I can imagine living for another 40 years. I will never be without dogs, and I enjoy sharing my passion for cross stitching, Xmas, dogs on my blogs. What I really want to say in a roundabout way is that when I started blogging I was a bit worried what my (five) readers would think, but I have come to realise that my blog is my own and I can write what I like. I also find that it gives me strength to stand up for how MY life is. Of course I am not sure if I would find it so easy if the gossipy lady next door found out... but I have reach a point through therapy where I have realised that there is a reason why I am and feel the way I do, and there is nothing wrong with it and I don't have to hide it. But I had a great therapist to help me get there, and my wonderful sister, mum and my lovely dogs did the rest of it!
    Be yourself and write what you like - it is your blog! And I am glad you have found the wonderful love given by dogs:))

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  13. it's so good to see you back, John. :)

    there's much i could say on the pros/cons of blogging etc. but Blogger is giving the batphone the stink-eye this morning. so i shall simply wish you all the love and magic and delight the universe can offer....because you very much deserve it. xo

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  14. I have had my share of haters. You may have heard me speak of my "pee butt stalker." This is a person whom I allowed myself to become friends with. One day, I received an email from her telling me that she knew where I lived, where Bing and I worked and where our child attended school. She even sent me a blueprint of my own home with my bedroom circled (ICK!) This person scared the bloody hell out of me. I went to the police, only to find that since she hadn't threatened me, I could do nothing. They did allow me to list her as a "person of interest" in case something happened to me! I shut down my blog for a while and then decided that she was not going to dictate my life and I restarted it (with lots of firewalls thanks to my tech savvy Bing.) I discovered that she had 7 different computers with 7 different personas. And here I was a psychological professional and I had not suspected a thing! She STILL finds ways to comment on my blog. The last time I heard from her was when I was first diagnosed with cancer and she commented that she hoped I died a prolonged and painful death! Haters gonna hate. And black dogs, I have discovered can be helpful if you don't listen too hard to them. They can get you to sit quietly for a while, away from the madding crowd. Ah, John, I hope you never stop blogging. As a fellow gardener, you have my heart.

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  15. And I'm glad you decided to carry on too.

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  16. John - I have been blogging for a fair amount of years now and what I have found is that really the writing is a cathartic exercise for me, a sort of on-line journal. Parts of it are probably meaningful to some, parts of it are probably just silly. What I have come to realize is that the writing is largely an exercise for me; the people that read and perhaps occasionally comment are along for the ride - and it is a ride for me, not for them. For most of us, writing is not a way to make money and as such we do not need to curry favor with those that simply are cranky that they either will not expose their own thoughts to the internet and cannot be quiet about those who do.

    Write on, friend. Your struggles help me deal with my own.

    Lhiats, TB

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  17. Hello John - just wanted to say that I'm really glad that you have decided to continue blogging.
    Take it easy. x

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  18. Just popped over from Maria's blog to check out yours. I often feel torn about whether to blog or not, but the positives outweigh the negatives, most of the time. I get a lot of comfort from reading other peoples blogs, and people reading mine. I know I'd really miss the blogging community if I closed my blog, so I continue to write my sad little posts, and I'm certainly no bloody Shakespeare either.

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