The extra bits...(Under construction).

Saturday, 19 November 2016

Well bugger me.....

     not literally of course but yesterday was indeed a watershed in the up n down life of this 'becoming a bit less of a' rotund Welshman. For sometime now I have been off work with what my G.P. describes as 'reactive depression', which I think means that certain situations in my life are more likely to bring about the return of the paralysing effects of the Black dog and that it does not take much for myself to react and return to the depths of despair and stifling self doubt, or something like that I think. In fact I think that I am well into my third month of absence from work, in which time little was resolved and to be honest I felt that the company had either little compassion for nor any true understanding of the situation of the work related causes that help initiate this latest period of my struggle with the dog. 

      Within this latest period I have tried to explain some of the work related events and situations that have, I feel, brought these circumstances about, but I realise now that the company is as far removed from the 'people company' that it claims to be since Vlad the Impaler discovered how to fire harden wooden stakes. So yesterday I was called in to report to H.R. who required to 'talk to me urgently' (yep that's the way to encourage a nutter like me to react in a favorable manner....not). I thought about not attending but then something inside my troubled mind just gave a little, you know that little moment when something falls into place and life becomes just a little more clear, for a time at least.

       So I attended the meeting yesterday, in fact I was early, to be talked to 'urgently'. There was even a senior management figure there to talk to me urgently as well as H.R.! By eck thinks I, I am indeed going to be urgently talked to. So we had a discussion in which I held back a tad, I asked if certain issues I had previously raised would be addressed in any small manner? to be told that the best way forward would be to consign the past to the dust of history and to start again with a clean sheet. Oh, thought I, trouble is in regards to the company I'm fresh out of clean sheets. So things would trundle on much in the same manner? I timidly inquired. Some waffle came back across the table which when translated meant yes they would. So how would my return be handled? Well John you would start Monday in your role and that would be that, after all the past is the past. Mmmmm coupled with the fact that said senior management figure did not know what my role, or job title was, and that whether I was paid monthly or weekly was not clear to said attendees (it's weekly by the way) I had a feeling that not enough attention or notice had been taken of myself, my situation and certainly not some of the work related causes of it.

     At this point I laid my own card upon the table, I only had the one, and it was simply...'well I cannot see myself being able to return to work under my present condition and with nothing truthfully going to change within the company, so what's the best way for me to go?'. And there it was, that little moment of clarity I had experienced whilst debating with myself whether or not to attend the meeting, laid bare on the table for all to see and digest. So agreement has been made, there are a couple of eyes to dot and tees to cross but the upshot is that I am officially, after over thirty years,  an ex-shift engineer and I am now free to pursue the dream of working for myself as a gardener. 

     Financially will be hell of a struggle, I cannot to be ill in any shape or form (black dog or not), it brings with it so many different pressures and it is bloody scary at my age to even consider such a path when I could pick up another engineering role with relative ease. But do you know what? for the first time in a bloody long time I feel focused and happy with my lot, I have a beautiful loving partner whom I love dearly, I have my health (well apart from been a head case that be), a roof over our heads and a wonderful simple life shared by my George and I. Oh not forgetting there's always Bear n Nelly to cause madness and mishap around the place.

     I have mentioned it recent posts that changes is coming and indeed it is. The next one on the horizon is a move away from the village and the wildlife garden I have created....by the Northern Gods life is getting interesting...


til the next time, take care...

John

29 comments:

  1. As the saying goes, been there, done that and am better for it. I believe you are on the right path. Bravo.

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  2. Thank you Mark, time will tell I guess...

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  3. Well done you!!! John we only come this way once, why spend this precious life working for a company that doesn't value you at all - Go for it - you'll manage and will be much happier doing something that you love doing
    well done xx

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    1. Thank you Trudie, indeed tis difficult enough having to work let alone for a company that hold no values in its employees. Far better, I think, to change tack and try something different even with the uncertainty that it brings.

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  4. Mental health issues, still not handled well in the UK workplace then...

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    1. Oh I don't know Simon, I thought I handled this particularly well after all no body bags were needed ;)

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  5. I'm sure you must feel a great deal of pressure lifted and feel a new lightness within yourself. Apart from the financial aspect, this is probably one of the best decisions you've made. The place you worked sounds like it was a dungeon of hell! I hope you got some form of severance!

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    1. The best severance was the fact that I do not have to return to that draconian pit of despair Janice.

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  6. Do you qualify for any retirement after 30 years, John?

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    1. Chance would be a fine thing Mr. Smythe, I guess I will be working till I drop and return to the ground I now till.

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  7. Stay busy... and make sure you are having fun at it. It will keep your brain occupied and your mind from going places it don't need to. Focus on the outward not the inner.

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    1. Wise words Mr. Silvius though at times it is indeed difficult not to let the mind wander and the inside becomes its focus.

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  8. Now that you've made that big decision, I wish you luck. Now't like being your own boss!

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    1. Thank you Cro, indeed being my own boss does have a goodly feel to it....have not argued with myself as of yet either ;)

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  9. That is why we lived on 'war rations' many years ago because DB took the plunge to leave the Forces then I became so mentally and physically ill, I also had to leave. A massive drop at that time from nearly £2000 a month to just £500 a month for the next 5 years. Never looked back. Will read with interest!

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    1. I think that once such a decision is made Dc you become more focused on the important and not the material. Hopefully I shall continue to pique your interest m'dear.

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  10. Yes, for what it's worth, I did something similar too - one of the best moves I ever made. I really wish you all the best and despite the possible financial struggles, I'm sure it's the right move. Well done!

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    1. Thank you Jane, it is the right move, I just have to make it work.

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  11. John I did exactly the same thing 16 years ago, the company I worked for were utter shits, my doctor said your mental health needs taking care of. I have never ever regretted leaving. Good luck for the future. Now go and find yourself x

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    1. Thanks Twiggy, as I have said before 'time will tell'

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  12. Well, that was probably unexpected...by them.

    It will be very different but I am confident you will thrive John. Just not having to go into a toxic environment every day will be a blessing.

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  13. John, I too did something similar, except that I handed in my notice mid-week to an employer whose standards of engineering were shoddy to say the least. I was so very pleased with myself that day and the knock on effect led me into entirely different life style and upped my self worth enormously.
    So very best of good fortune too you.

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  14. Sincerely wishing you the best of luck John
    regards Dan

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  15. Hi John. I too did the same thing, but many years ago. It was my first job, so you can guess how much of a 'failure' I felt even contemplating throwing in the towel, but as I sat slumped on the bathroom floor in tears one morning I was suddenly hit by the realisation that I was the only one who could change my situation. I have never ever regretted the decision and now that I am older and wiser I still remember the instant lifting of my mood and spring in my step when I effectively said "I deserve to be happy" and did something about it. Good luck John. Walk tall and have fun. Tracy

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  16. So good to see you posting again John, and sounding positive. I wish you every luck in the world in your new venture. Exciting/scary times. X

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  17. I truly hope that this brings you peace of mind mate, all the very best, until I read the blog I didn't know the issues behind you leaving. When you've a spare minute call in at Deggys Tackle shop for a brew and a catch up.

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    1. Oohh a tackle shop Mr. T. that is such a tempting offer as have not dipped a maggot in many a year. Sometimes it's what you don't know or see about a person can explain so much about them, this depression malarkey is a bitch I would truly not wish upon my worst enemy. Look forward to the catch up old lad.

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  18. Good on you, Samwise. I wish I could do the same. So, if you need a full-time tree-planter...

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    1. Why thank you Mr. Frodo...indeed I may require someone to 'share the load' someday......

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