not literally of course but yesterday was indeed a watershed in the up n down life of this 'becoming a bit less of a' rotund Welshman. For sometime now I have been off work with what my G.P. describes as 'reactive depression', which I think means that certain situations in my life are more likely to bring about the return of the paralysing effects of the Black dog and that it does not take much for myself to react and return to the depths of despair and stifling self doubt, or something like that I think. In fact I think that I am well into my third month of absence from work, in which time little was resolved and to be honest I felt that the company had either little compassion for nor any true understanding of the situation of the work related causes that help initiate this latest period of my struggle with the dog.
Within this latest period I have tried to explain some of the work related events and situations that have, I feel, brought these circumstances about, but I realise now that the company is as far removed from the 'people company' that it claims to be since Vlad the Impaler discovered how to fire harden wooden stakes. So yesterday I was called in to report to H.R. who required to 'talk to me urgently' (yep that's the way to encourage a nutter like me to react in a favorable manner....not). I thought about not attending but then something inside my troubled mind just gave a little, you know that little moment when something falls into place and life becomes just a little more clear, for a time at least.
So I attended the meeting yesterday, in fact I was early, to be talked to 'urgently'. There was even a senior management figure there to talk to me urgently as well as H.R.! By eck thinks I, I am indeed going to be urgently talked to. So we had a discussion in which I held back a tad, I asked if certain issues I had previously raised would be addressed in any small manner? to be told that the best way forward would be to consign the past to the dust of history and to start again with a clean sheet. Oh, thought I, trouble is in regards to the company I'm fresh out of clean sheets. So things would trundle on much in the same manner? I timidly inquired. Some waffle came back across the table which when translated meant yes they would. So how would my return be handled? Well John you would start Monday in your role and that would be that, after all the past is the past. Mmmmm coupled with the fact that said senior management figure did not know what my role, or job title was, and that whether I was paid monthly or weekly was not clear to said attendees (it's weekly by the way) I had a feeling that not enough attention or notice had been taken of myself, my situation and certainly not some of the work related causes of it.
At this point I laid my own card upon the table, I only had the one, and it was simply...'well I cannot see myself being able to return to work under my present condition and with nothing truthfully going to change within the company, so what's the best way for me to go?'. And there it was, that little moment of clarity I had experienced whilst debating with myself whether or not to attend the meeting, laid bare on the table for all to see and digest. So agreement has been made, there are a couple of eyes to dot and tees to cross but the upshot is that I am officially, after over thirty years, an ex-shift engineer and I am now free to pursue the dream of working for myself as a gardener.
Financially will be hell of a struggle, I cannot to be ill in any shape or form (black dog or not), it brings with it so many different pressures and it is bloody scary at my age to even consider such a path when I could pick up another engineering role with relative ease. But do you know what? for the first time in a bloody long time I feel focused and happy with my lot, I have a beautiful loving partner whom I love dearly, I have my health (well apart from been a head case that be), a roof over our heads and a wonderful simple life shared by my George and I. Oh not forgetting there's always Bear n Nelly to cause madness and mishap around the place.
I have mentioned it recent posts that changes is coming and indeed it is. The next one on the horizon is a move away from the village and the wildlife garden I have created....by the Northern Gods life is getting interesting...
til the next time, take care...